Its been over a month since my... Last minute to myself.

Crazy shit left right and rrreh has been pushing and pulling my inner idiot to the point where I should just sit down take a big deep breath and stop...

Stop and look is definitely what I haven't been doing, not that I have been crazy or doing stupid shit again but I have just found myself in that pathetic state where I need to rely on things that I just don't need or want to.

Since my flat mate blattenly told me that she was moving out and I was left either with an empty 3 x bedroom flat or up and go also was a massive kick in the stomach. Feeling cheated and lied to I started my dearch for a more consistent male flat mate. In which I found shortly after...Only one problem now is no flat. Great.

My second -I think many people agree- pet hate is looking for a rental property which fits nicely after a job. I absolutely hate filling out stupid forms that don't even outline who you really are, they are just a big load of shit that states what you do and I don't think my date of birth and current address is very appealing at the moment.

So my hunt begins and although im supported always i dont like compassion towards me, well definately not in this regards. It just makes me feel that i need help which i hate because im the first one to ask for a hand and i appreciate when people do the same.

Anyway i will keep this little blog going... for myself and one special friend as i know she keeps an eye on it sometimes.

Over and out for now captain>>

Clean Clean Clean... Rrreh Rrreh Rrreh!

-TRUTH-

A young girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to crystal
meth wrote this. She wrote this while in jail.
As you will soon read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as
she tells in this simple, yet profound poem.

She was released from jail, but, true to her story, the drug
owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still
in her
arm.

I am meth.
I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town
I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome, try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told, But you
challenged my
power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

xxxx

Comparing how I felt a full week ago, I can say that im definitely looking on that side of like that's bloody brighter. Not that im indulging my life in a deep 4 series novel but I feel good, happy thoughts, no worries and im looking forward without any stress.

Having such a normal and completely smoooooth weekend makes me feel content with myself. Back to the bloody basics with a bit of trashy dancing, buying double bourbons, camp cleaning, saw a movie, 3hr long cigarette conversations...It felt true.

Its just a bloody juxtaposition having everything in the world, from drugs and the big bright lights of a night club to standing crowded in a tiny old, worn and torn pub listening to an acoustic guitar man...

Looking ahead to a long week at the office, doesn't really sound all that bad. I actually look forward to slowly waking up on the bus, feeling my brain tick over as I shove Vocal Trance into it every morning. Looking up high as I can as I walk across George St being surrounded by buildings and looking down the street likes its some sort of path. A path to what- who knows really.

As much as I can fucking grind my teeth and get annoyed that Sydney is so lonely and bare. I love just being able to bounce along every morning, subconsciously giving the city an uplifting Camp hit. Sometimes trying not to giggle to myself as I look forward and see a weird looking person, a trash bag on Monday morning, a cute manly man, an annoying bastard handing out shit...

...Why???

I just think its worth every breath, being able to admire who you are and just give a smile, you may think its unreasonable to be laughing/grinning at 8:45am but its really not. In the end you know if someone see's you having a chuckle or grinning from ear to ear...They will smile to :)

xxx

We all definately know who the above word refers to at the moment. We wont point fingers, but we also wont tell lies. Ill face the fact and believe in myself to break through the distinct frustration it's caused. ..

...Its raining and bloody cold, thats where i'll end...

xxx

Its been nearly a month now...

Waking up at that usual time and hitch hiking bus number 254 down each morning was just steady and similar. Work has turned into an addictive part of my life, incorporating a nice social involvement whilst earning good money.

Sitting home the weekend previous to this one basically made me realise that life is never what you want it to be. You will always get aggravated and sometimes lonely. Spending a lot of time with myself this weekend made me want to reach out to the bright lights and dance the hours away, to feel completely free and have no responsibilities.

It was nearly 4 months ago...

That I put my mouth to that dirty crystal pipe. It came on very suddenly and completely unexpectedly. I was visiting a nice boy who was both sexy and could hold a conversation. Which is quite a rare "catch" in my books.

Putting the somewhat funnt pipe to my mouth and have a good old toot brought back many funny and fabulous memories. It also brought back many dark memories of the past during my complete "scatter brains" episode at work the next day. Now looking back I can have a laugh and say I was completely impulsive and somewhat irresponsible but pfft no regrets.

I also saw some old and very dear friends sometime in the morning before work, which was maybe a highlight of the night. A lot of advise was shared and hold that so close and have taken it on board which I'm glad.

After work (rrreh) I somehow gathered my "shop" and took my frizzled body to the bar and had a beer which was nice. Soon enough to leave and hail a cab (in which I nearly fell asleep in) back home to sit the sack at 7:26pm - awaking at 11:30am which definitely helped the mind and batteries recharge from a very random and nice night.

Sitting at home today, eating my Dominos Puffection pizza (delivered), smoking my cigarettes and listening to classic happy hardcore alone isn't all that bad.

Im looking forward to going to the AFL in a few hours with Mum & Dad...Rrreh!

Explaining a feeling that isnt even "defined" is pretty difficult...rolling of 15 descriptive words in attempt isn't worth it either. I have felt extremely special but also extremely lonely and lost. Trying to accept the bloody obvious isnt one of my perks...just a silly flaunt that i cherish to hate.

I love dreaming of something or someone that isnt at my fingertips, waiting and wishing for something no one can predict. Thinking of what could be, kind of letting it eat at me and make be wonder what may be on the "other" side... Ah rrrehh!

The one thing that i want to get out of the next few months is a goal... a plan, either little or huge. Something that i can think about when i look out that window see that boring, muggy, overcast weather and couldnt be fucked thinking whats new or whats next on the menu of experiences. I can lay back and know that i have an experience weather its pathetic and no one would understand or something different and involves a smile goodbye...not forever though.

Otherwise i think im coming up with the flu... my right nostrel's washers need replacing and my mind needs a good 10 hours sleep...So ill plan so get that first.

xxx